WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
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all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl