When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
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[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
“What?”
– Jude
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!