Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
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Two types of dogs.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.