*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
You Might Also Like
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days