15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
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Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I just tested negative for patience.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job