Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
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Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
why isn’t he texting back
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.