ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
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Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
This why you should mind your business
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”