Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
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Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
just left a huge legacy in there
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer: