OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
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I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
For the orator and chef in all of us
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.