Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
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[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
What even happened today?
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Smile they said.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles