Secret Panel HERE 🤘
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it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Wait for it
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
When he asks for feet pics
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.