God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
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cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Wedding planning is organized crime.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.