[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
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Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
as is their right
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.