I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
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Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
this chia pet tastes awful
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Holy shit he’s back
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat