Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
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*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.