Do robots dream of electric sheep?
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damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*