I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
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I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Children of the corn 🌽
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Can’t. About to go please some beans
i think both sides are to blame here
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”