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You might think I鈥檓 flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Joined WhateverCupid鈩笍 and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Sorry I鈥檓 late, I was untangling my AirPods.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It鈥檚 should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what鈥檚 your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who鈥檚 watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 馃檪
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 馃檨
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.