PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
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Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
No Google it does not
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.