[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
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“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
two people or more is called a problem
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I bet birds love this building.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright