Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
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agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
She: I like Cats
He:
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back