Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
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people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.