You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
You Might Also Like
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
the official breakfast of 2021
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.