If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
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You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Trumpy Cat
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.