my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
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Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire