WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
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“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.