‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
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Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.