haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
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What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?