Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
You Might Also Like
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.