WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
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My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.