debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
You Might Also Like
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.