Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
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[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I remember when things only cost an arm.