mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
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ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
accurate
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game