Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
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I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to