“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff