No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
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DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
They’re the worst 😩
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’