I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
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Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Oh my god
my astrological sign is a french fry
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.