Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
You Might Also Like
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Basically.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Tremendous stuff
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too