My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
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Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.