13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
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Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.