[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
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Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white