I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
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“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
584.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
excuse me
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name