‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
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Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
umm…
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.