My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
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I have written yet another poem about laundry
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
😅🤣😂
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers