ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
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Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Dammit Chief not again
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that