“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
You Might Also Like
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents