“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
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First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
#Caturday
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
this is what they would have looked like, though
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”