When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
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When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]