My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
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This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
So sick of all these stupid rules
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
A bold strategy
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone