ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
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Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.